Re-Post: Squashing the Green-Eyed Monster
I’m still out of town and unable to blog, so I dipped into my archives and resurrected this post from February. I still find the message quite relevant, and I’m excited to read your thoughts on the subject!
A friend of mine shared with me recently that she received a promotion – complete with a raise – at work. While on the outside this currently-unemployed woman smiled and expressed how happy I was for her, on the inside I felt a twinge of the green-eyed monster. 
(Source)
I admit it. I was jealous.
I hate feeling jealous. Envy is an uncomfortable emotion, one that leaves me feeling irritable and isolated in the very moment I should be feeling happiness and connection.
I used to feel jealous of others all the time (it went hand-in-hand with my bad habit of constantly comparing myself to others). Then I realized that my envy had absolutely nothing to do with the other person; it stemmed completely from my own insecurities. Deep down, the only reason I was jealous was because I saw myself in competition with other people, so their success made me feel somehow lessened or inadequate.
I couldn’t stop feeling envious until I gained greater confidence in myself – the kind of confidence that emerges from within rather than through comparisons to others.
While of course I still feel jealous sometimes (like when I heard about my friend’s promotion), now I try to combat that ugly feeling by cultivating sympathetic joy. Sympathetic joy is a feeling of true happiness for another’s good fortune. It removes the “me” from the equation and focuses entirely on sharing someone else’s delight.
Sometimes it’s easy to experience sympathetic joy, particularly when the other person’s good news does not pertain to one of your own desires. Other times it’s a lot more difficult: your best friend gets engaged when you’ve secretly been dying for your boyfriend to pop the question, your co-worker gets promoted to the position you desperately wanted, an acquaintance goes on your dream vacation (the one you currently cannot afford).
While those are the situations where sympathetic joy is most difficult to cultivate, they’re also the situations where it’s most important. Because who really wants to feel jealous, right? 
The next time I feel that twinge of envy, I want to try my hardest to replace it with sympathetic joy by remembering that happiness is not a non-renewable resource. There is not a fixed amount of it in the world and when it’s gone, it’s gone. When we feel sympathetic joy for another’s good fortune, happiness only multiplies. And that is always a good thing! 
Do you ever struggle with jealousy? What do you think about the idea of replacing jealousy with sympathetic joy?
Themocracy
To answer the question . . . I think it would be hard!
I guess I’m not confident enough in my own abilities and the direction I am headed to not feel jealous. ESPECIALLY if I feel like luck was a big factor. Just knowing it comes from a place of issue from me is a big step and I’m trying to work on that.
Plus, peoples perspective really throws a wrench into things. Maybe we really don’t know how hard that person worked to get the promotion. We don’t always know what goes on behind the scenes.
Oh my goodness, of course!! I think we all struggle with jealously. It’s one of those traits that makes us humans. I think the key to overcoming jealously is to replace those envious feelings with feelings of appreciation. Appreciation for what you do have and gratefulness for what you have compared to most.
EWWWWWWWWWW-ENVY!! yuck! Such a deceiving and destructive feeling, no? I love the scripture “where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing is there.”
SO.STINKIN.TRUE.
It’s human to experience jealousy and envy, but I remind myself that things are not always what they seem. I mean someone might be successful in a way you would like to be, but you may be successful in a way someone else would like to be. And that person of whom you’re envious most likely has things going on in their life that nobody would envy!
I guess it’s best to just enjoy where you’re at, while pursuing where you want to go.
Yes to all of this!
We tend to relate to others by how everything pertains to US because our selves are the main tools we have for looking at the world. But like you, I find that when I CAN take the “how does this effect me?” question out of another person’s happiness, I am able to share in his or her joy much more fully.
Easier said than done, but truly excellent advice.
I’ve actually been practicing what you call sympathetic joy for awhile now, but I never had a word for it! Thanks!
Jealousy feels so ugly and rotten I was driving myself crazy feeling it. It feels so much better to genuinely be happy for someone.
That green eyed monster is kinda cute!
Good post. I struggle with this a lot, especially in regards to how I am unemployed and don’t have the career I want yet. I also resonate with wanting that diamond ring.
I feel envious when I see friends’ wedding pics on facebook. For that one I try to remind myself that my boyfriend tells me he wants to marry me all the time and that he is in Afghanistan – how can he propose to me until he gets home?!
For the former topic(unemployment/career) – I try to think honestly about how many other people my age are struggling with the same thing, and to think about how those who have their career usually had a period of struggle first that you may not know about.
It’s easy to see only the surface of others’ lives, but they have struggles just like you do. I know other people have been jealous of things in my life that I just take for granted.
Great post! Yes, I most definitely experience envy, especially in regards to career success. It’s taken me awhile to “find my path” in the job world, and as I’ve watched friends move forward with their careers, I’ve struggled a bit with the fact that I’m still studying to get to grad school! However, like you said, cultivating sympathetic joy is the best way to deal with twinges of jealousy. Sometimes I have to force myself to do this, but once I’m aware of my feelings, and accept the fact that I’m where I am for a REASON, I can truly delight WITH the person that has recently experienced a promotion/engagement etc. etc.
I also firmly believe that, if you’re able to maintain a positive outlook about your life and the lives of others, good things will happen! Typical “humdrum” days can be satisfying and fulfilling when you’re enjoying living in the moment and not wishing for something that you don’t have!
I used to be a very jealous person, because I was so darned insecure. But now that I’ve stabilized my life and goals, I’ve discovered that I’m actually a perverted old lady inside. When I was a tad younger (like, 2 years) I would compare my body to other girls’ and be so envious of their natural beauty…and snap at my boyfriend if he looked at them too. But this week the college students came back to town, and I can’t stop staring at all the cute undergrads. I see adorable faces and figures everywhere and think, “So pretty! I want one!” I have to remind myself that no, you can’t just snatch a freshman off the streets and take them home to dress them up and brush their hair. Maybe my biological clock is starting to tick?
i hope everyone admits that they struggle at times with jealously cuz i think we all do for sure and no matter how much we try to keep it from our lives its normal for humans to feel that way. i guess cuz it happens with animals in the wild..i mean jealousy can happen over anything..work,body,family,success,anything! all you can do is try to tell urself that the jealous thoughts are ok but not to let them take control of you. i think being sympathetic and creating a sympathetic joy may be the best tool. who knows, maybe the person we’re jealous of hasent had a lot of good things happen to them no matter if they look like someone that would. so putting ourselves in their shoes and being happy, knowing that something good will happen equally to us in the future, is a great way of looking at it and dealing with the jealous emotions that arise.
xoxo <3
jealousy is such a common feeling.. i’m sure everyone experienced that. It’s hard to not to when someone you feel you’re similar to you accomplish something that you also want to achieve. I haven’t success to suppress jealousy.. but I keep trying
I honestly don’t think anyone can be perfect on this topic. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good topic and you have a great point. But I think when a person feels the slightest bit jealous (if they are the least bit conscientious), they then feel guilty. Guilt is a disgusting feeling as well. Then, not only do we feel jealous, we feel guilty about feeling jealous! A double whammy to our self esteem. I don’t know about you, but when I feel guilty, I feel insignificant and small.
A wise, wise woman once told me, “Sometimes you have to fake it.” We can’t always control the emotions that come up. But we can put on a smile, give the person a hug and then pray. Pray, pray, pray, pray, pray. Because there are times when I am genuinely happy for someone, but I can’t shake the feelings of “why me?” “Why am I here and they are there?” “What am I doing wrong?” “Am I being punished?” Etc.
I guess this then begs the question, are we even feeling jealous. Or are we really sad about our situation, our past, or our dreams that haven’t come true? It is absolutely possible to be happy for someone and sad for ourselves at the same time. We’re complex creatures.
I think we just have to fake it sometimes. We’re human. We’re broken. We’re lost. Hurt. Angry. Sometimes we have to fake it until it becomes real.
I definitely get jealous! It’s most often jealousy at the traits in others that I think I lack, such as confidence or leadership. I used to let it get me down, but now I use that jealousy to my advantage and try to become more like that person in terms of their characteristics that I wish I had. So now I think being jealous actually helps me to work on myself.
That is such an awesome perspective!
This is an incredibly good post. A reader of mine read my latest post and suggested I check out this. I find it so tough. I am at the worst place in my life now than ever (physically, financially, job wise everything) and I find comparing and anger and jealousy and resentment can be strong.
i am trying really really hard lately to combat those feelings and focus on myself. We are all different.
I love this post because this is something I have to deal with on a day to day bases. Why do I feel this need to be in competition with others? Why do I crave other lives when I don’t have a clear picture of what that is? Those people I am jealous of you could be even more f*cked up me! (lack of better word here lol).
GREAT post! I used to have a problem with jealousy, but then I eliminated the word “jealous” from my vocabulary. When someone is going on a trip that I want to go on, instead of telling them I’m jealous, I say “I’m so excited for you!”. Not only does saying your jealous have negative effects on you, it makes the other person uncomfortable, and possibly feel guilty for their success!
This is such a valuable discussion to have. I have a close friend who is envious of me, and I love her and support her constantly… I don’t think she realizes that I can see on her face or sense displeasure every time something good happens for me, even is she tries to put on a smile, it just isn’t really there, deep down. That hurts me and I feel like I need to try to downplay anything good that might happen to me, which in reality, means that I cannot be real and honest with her for fear that it might hurt her or make her envious. My life is very mediocre, I’m not particularly wealthy, etc… and I work very hard for some of the peace and happiness that I experience in my life. I’ve also found that SO much of my happiness comes from watching my friends and family members experience joy. I’m not saying that I never feel jealous or envious myself, but I feel it less and less over the years, because I’ve found that the secret to my inner peace, is to honestly and sincerely love my friends and family enough to hope for blessings and joy in THEIR lives. This is a golden lesson and one that takes practice and patience with oneself. Always remember that there is not an endless supply of joy out there, the universe isn’t going to run out. That is simply not possible. Do something sincere today that will help another person feel “joy” and do it because you love them. It’s really that simple.
Amen, Maggie! I’ve been in a similar situation, and I know how difficult it is.