It’s My Party and I’ll Eat What I Want To
After attending not one but two 4th of July parties last weekend, I’ve realized just how far I’ve come in terms of food anxiety and social engagements. Yesterday I spent some time reflecting on the way things used to be, how much has changed, and the steps I currently take to make peace with picnics and potlucks.
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Now I’d like to share my story, along with five concrete steps I take to ensure that such social engagements are fun rather than stressful. I realize this post would have been more useful to you before the holiday weekend, but better late than never, right? 
The Before
Before I acknowledged that my issues with food, weight, and body image were indeed issues, family gatherings and social engagements involving food were, quite simply, difficult for me to enjoy. I spent most of them obsessing about what I was going to eat and not eat, avoiding the “bad” (but delicious!) foods like the plague, and then wondering why I compulsively raided my pantry the minute I got home. Or, conversely, I thew caution to the wind and used parties as an excuse to binge, eating continuously throughout the course of the entire event.
In either case, I was rarely mentally present at these events; while I appeared engaged in the company and immersed in conversation, deep down I was thinking about food. Period. 
Enter Intuitive Eating
I hoped wished dreamed assumed all of these issues would simply resolve themselves when I began the process of learning to eat intuitively. Au contraire! 
Believe it or not, sometimes social engagements felt even more difficult because now I had all of these new, foreign guidelines to try to apply.
You see, eating intuitively was fine in the comfort of my everyday, structured life, where all of the pieces were well within my control. But parties – at least those where someone else is hosting – are generally filled with unknowns. What if I’m not hungry when it’s time to eat? What if I’m starving an hour before? What if none of the food options available are “singing” to me? What if they all are?
How do you listen to and honor your body when there are so many unanswered questions? 
Finding Balance
I wrestled with these questions for some time, experimenting with what works for me and what doesn’t. Then, once I figured out how to take the anxiety out of the situation, I practiced. And practiced. And practiced some more. And though all of that practicing certainly hasn’t made perfect, it has made some things that once seemed impossible now feel like second nature. It wasn’t until after all of last weekend’s food-filled gatherings that I even realized I had gone the entire time food-anxiety-free!
Five Steps for Eating at Social Events
So how did I find that balance? Which steps did I practice over and over again? Here they are!
1. One thing at a time.
One of my biggest challenges is eating mindfully while in public, and yet it makes such a difference. Now I know people will think I’m crazy for suggesting you not mix eating and socializing, since that’s often what the entire gathering is about. But savoring my food is essential for preventing overeating, and I can’t do that very well if I’m holding an in-depth conversation at the same time. These days I make a point to focus on the food while I’m eating it, and then talk and socialize once I’m finished. (And no one has ever accused me of being anti-social while we’re eating – in fact, I don’t think anyone even notices!)
2. Eat with intention.
I try to eat foods because they appeal to me rather than simply because they’re there. Before making my plate, I’ll take a quick inventory of the entire spread to determine which choices I simply must have, and which I can stand to skip. Some people like to try a little bit of everything, but I’d much rather have a larger portion of the foods that are calling my name, and in return am willing to completely forgo those that aren’t.
3. Stay in the present.
Focusing on the present moment has been key to changing my experience at social gatherings. Before, as I mentioned, I would spend most of the time in this whole other world in my head; I was physically there but mentally on another (food-obsessed) planet.
Now I work really hard to stay in the present moment as much as possible. So when the present moment involves eating, I pay attention to that. But when the meal is over, I put all of my mental energy into the next activity or conversation, rather than continuing to think about food.
4. Break the rules.
I think some people (myself included, at one point) struggle with Intuitive Eating because they see it as just another set of strict rules to follow: only eat when hungry, always stop when pleasantly full, always eat what you’re craving, etc. But to me that is missing the point. Yes, we should strive to listen to our bodies most of the time, but we also must embrace a certain degree of flexibility (easier said than done, I realize!).
For example, at the picnic I attended on Sunday I enjoyed dessert along with everyone else: a nicely-portioned plate of fresh fruit, a brownie, and a scoop of ice cream. An hour or so later, as I was putting the leftover brownies into a Tupperware container, I decided I wanted another one. Not because I was hungry. Just because they were good.
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So I popped a small one into my mouth! While I was standing up! I didn’t bother putting it on a plate! And I was multi-tasking while I ate it! Intuitive Eating? Not exactly. A big deal? Nah!
Why was this not a big deal? Because of Step 5…
5. Move on.
Those of us who experience a lot of food-related anxiety need to accept that we often bring the drama on ourselves. But that’s actually a good thing, because it means that it’s within our power to let it go. We can choose to obsess over an extra brownie, or we can choose to forget about it and enjoy the rest of the day. 
Like I said, conquering these five steps required a good bit of practice and a healthy dose of dedication. But I’m thrilled to say that most of the time I’m now able to view parties with excitement and enthusiasm rather than dread and anxiety. 
Have you ever experienced food-related anxiety at parties or social gatherings? How have you handled it? Have you tried or will you try any of these steps?
Themocracy
Great post! It really is more difficult to listen to your body while in a party atmosphere. These types of things, especially when they’re hosted by people who are less health conscious than I am, create more anxiety in me than I wish they did! Generally, I throw caution to the wind and indulge as I please (which I wish I didn’t do), but I will definitely try some of your tips out come the next party.
I LOVE this post. All your points are SO relavent and I need to share this with my readers, as it is the perfect concept to go along with my BEST self program!
I absolutely used to suffer anxiety when going to social gatherings. I too, spent all my time fretting about the FOOD! You’re right, intuitive eating can even make it worse bc you are STILL obsessing!! It’s not until you let go of your food anxieties that you are able to eat naturally! Second brownie? Who cares, it tasted awesome…that’s natural eating for ya!! and even if you did eat beyond satisfaction, I bet your body would tell ya later that it’s not as hungry!
Can’t wait to share this with my blog!
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All that food looks delicious and I’m glad you were able to enjoy it! Thanks for sharing!
You’re right – it’s NOT a big deal. I think it’s important to eat things because they just taste good. Of course, we should only do this on occassion, but it’s still important. That’s what life is about – simply enjoying the food around us because it’s good!!
Great post! I think you make wise decisions and have come a logn way understanding the ‘healthy’ way to eat, which includes indulging.
This is such a well-written post! I’m sure this will help someone out a lot.
This is something I really struggle with, so this is a really helpful post. I actually tend to avoid social gatherings that involve food, simply because they are SO anxiety ridden I just never enjoy myself. It’s something I’m really trying to work on though and your tips are great.
I know it’s going to take time, but it’s great to know that getting rid of the anxiety is possible!
It is absolutely possible!
I used to have a lot of anxiety at social gatherings because everybody around me would be eating mountains of food and I felt pressured to do the same. Sometimes it would be overt pressure, for which “But I’m not hungry” is never an accepted explanation. Sometimes it would be unspoken pressure; I would often end up eating a lot of things I didn’t want because this person had brought it or that person was so proud of the recipe. I was also generally under stress because the only parties I’ve been to of late were business-related (and being the youngling, I was in charge of making everything go smoothly) or hosted by relatives (for whom I had to cook and gofer and be overtly friendly with people I don’t know). And stress totally throws your intuition out of whack. The only way I stay sane is to run away and hide somewhere–a back room, a stump off to the side–to just breathe for a few minutes and eat in peace.
great post!!!
love hearing your thoughts on this intuitive stuff. my goal in life is to be a more intuitive eater too! i find that meditation and mindfulness has taught me to learn that there are no “rules” in life and no need to obsess over labels (ex: eating meat when i am generally called a vegetarian by relatives because i only eat meat on occasion). in meditation i often beat myself up for having too many thoughts or if one session is a “worse” meditation session than one the day before. but this thinking is so flawed. having thoughts and practicing mindfulness in all aspects of life includes not being harsh and mean to ourselves! it’s also paradoxical but in meditation having negative thoughts or just an excessive inner critic can be GOOD because it allows you to keep practicing bringing the attention into the present and focusing on the breath and the moment at hand.
I love your comparison to meditation! I certainly struggle with the idea of simply noticing and being aware of my thoughts and emotions without assigning a judgment to them. But I had never thought of the inner critic in a positive light before – very interesting perspective!
Great post. I struggle with this a lot, and find myself thinking so much about food during these occasions and not enjoying the company.
Great post! I have been at your “before” and it’s horrible.
I love what you said about intuitive eating and feeling like it too has “rules”. But, intuitive eating IS being flexible and like you said–sometimes you can eat another brownie just bc you want it.
I used to be extremely anxious with social gatherings. In fact, I would often bring my own food to eat and forego what was served. But of course would end up binging sometime in the near future anyways. It is a tough place to be when dealing with food demons.
Now I really try to choose things I really want and leave what I don’t. And I will admit that I still tend to eat a bit past full (although still not overly full like I used to do) at social events because there are so many foods I enjoy BUT I do it mindfully and just return to my normal eating as soon as possible.
Great advice! I too have anxiety at social events thinking about the fact I will inevitably stuff my face. I’ve learned to cut down on it but also not feel so guilty when I indulge. The barbecues, picnics and parties are not every weekend. I return to eating healthy and working out and let mistakes happen.
I totally agree with you Kate. I would freak out about what I was and wasn’t going to eat while people were talking and stuff and try to look over at the foods table the whole time. I realized that I could figure all that crap out when I actually GET to the table and not have to THINK about it for so long. When I get to the table, I bypass what I dont want and just pick what I want. It’s the same as if I planned it out for two hours in my head right? Much less stressful!!
I try to make good choices, I usually say no to all the savory stuff because really I could care less for it. I looooove the dessert table though. It’s seriously a feast just for my eyes. I really want to try everything but I stick to 2-3 things and try to eat only 1/2 of it.
I used to be so anxious about these kind of events but now I feel so much better. I used to think, “wow, lots of really good free food, better eat it all now because you wont be able to eat this stuff later (because i dont have it at home).” But then I realized that I go to this kind of stuff ALL the time and really, I actually can eat this stuff all the time so why do I need to have it all now?? I can eat it later too. Silly me.
Glad you had the extra brownie
I couldn’t stop eating these chocolate covered popcorn things at this party and you know what? I felt great about it. I ate a lot of fruit and that’s it for “food” so I felt fine about eating some chocolaty popcorn!
I’m with you on skipping the savory stuff and focusing on the sweets! That’s always been my preference. So glad we’ve both come to a place where we can indulge our sweet tooths (teeth?) and feel good about it instead of guilty.
Everything point in this post spoke to me! I used to be ridden with anxiety at social events, avoiding food (with the exception of raw veggies, no dip!) at all costs. Choosing not to eat was the only way I felt I could engage in conversation, without obsessing over what was on my plate. However, just like you, once I got home I’d be ravenous and overeat. Then the guilt would really set in!
I’ve come a LONG way, but occasionally anxiety creeps back in. Now I allow myself to eat at parties and really ENJOY the food–especially those items I wouldn’t typically prepare myself. If anxiety/guilt starts creeping in, I remind myself I need to let it go (tip #5), and that what I ate was NORMAL. Acknowledging the progress I’ve made helps too!
I sometimes completely dread social gatherings, solely because of food. Which is so sad, because I love people AND I love food! I’m working so hard with intuitive eating, that these steps above are very helpful. Your post is (once again) AMAZING! Definitely great encouragement and a sound reminder that a person can totally overcome food anxieties.
I love this post! Especially the very valid points about flexibility and moving on. For me intuitive eating is about being present, trusting my body but not every eating experience has to be a hallowed sacred one.
I had a funny moment last week – a bookclub party with a buffet – most of which was a variety of cheesecakes. At one point all I could think of was the cheesecake. I had a little, wanted a bit more but was doing the ‘am I hungry’ ‘does my body really want this’ conversation and it got to the point where I wasn’t even listening to the book discussion and so caught up in the wanting vs needing thing going on in my head. I finally got a few bits, enjoyed one, didn’t like the other and then felt perfectly satisfied and was able to engage again.
What I love about intuitive eating is I’m always learning something!
Again, great post!
Thanks for sharing your cheesecake experience! I’m sure many of us (myself included!) can relate.
And you’re absolutely right that not EVERY eating experience needs to be taken so darn seriously!
My favorite part was the move on part! I like that!
You are so well-written, Katie! “Stay in the present” is the one thing that keeps me grounded at social events where food is such a focal point.
Katie, I love this post! These are fantastic and feasible suggestions. I used to have a lot of anxiety around food, too, especially at social gatherings that had a big buffet. I’d get so excited, I wouldn’t know what to eat first. I’d either adopt an all or nothing approach, which clearly wasn’t healthy. I’d either feel guilty for overeating or unsatisfied for not eating what I wanted.
The concepts behind intuitive and mindful eating have been tremendously helpful. Working on the anxiety is key, too.
I love how you use some of your posts to pass on your experience and advice to those of us still struggling with certain issues. I always find them to be really helpful!
I have terrible anxiety when it comes to eating at social gatherings. Like you said, I hate not knowing what will be served and whether or not it will be healthy. I usually use my allergies as an excuse to bring my own sandwich or something.
I’m going to keep your tips in mind for next time though and hopefully I’ll be able to be more carefree and enjoy myself the next time I’m in that sort of situation!
what a great post; thank you for sharing your tips and incites. I hate going to eat in social settings where people insist on you eating or try and force you to. I definitely get antsy over eating at parties
Katherine
Yummm, I’m so jealous of your feast! I didn’t go to ONE 4th of July party this year. That was a first. (Insert sad face) Yet, I still managed to overeat on Sunday. Emotional eating is an issue with me, and I was feeling blue that day, so I medicated myself with pizza. And ice cream. It was not pretty. I’ve actually gotten MUCH better and not being so anxious about eating during social functions…it’s when I’m by myself that I have the most problems!
i feel like i have seen your lbog before but somehow i lost it and didn’t add it to my reader- what a shame becuase i honestly LOVE it. This post is something i needed to read. I agree with everything you sai and even though i may know these things, i don’t always remember them. I’m with you- i’d prefer to not make social gatherings about food. If that is where I amm going to choose to eat, i try to just decide what i want quickly, eat it, & then focus solely on socializing with the people who i am with. After all, obsessing over what food i am going to eat for 20 minutes will not make me happy- it’ll probalby make me stressed & grumpy. Love this post and love the advice- i know it will help many. great blog!!
Thanks for your sweet comment, and I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog! I love what you wrote here because you emphasize that it’s a CHOICE – we can choose to obsess over the food, or we can choose not to. Easier said than done, maybe, but still. Thanks for sharing!
I really really love your tip on not obsessing. Once we eat it, its done. YOu can’t take it back so there is no point in worrying really…its just not worth the stress/anxiety. Besides, social events are meant to be enjoyed, not spent worrying about food.
i’m loving the move on part, too! the question at the end of this post reminds me of a prticular catered function i attended for an organization i was involved with in school. i planned about two weeks in advance to splurge for it, as the best brownies in the world would be there. the night before the event, a mass e-mail was sent to all the members telling us to eat before we came and to stay out of the way while the public guests went through the buffet line first. i was so mad and disgusted by that e-mail that i skipped picking through the “leftovers” afterward with my comrades!
I’ve dealt with some of that anxiety myself and I think your approach is really positive and realistic. Healthy living involves a lot of thinking about food and sometimes its hard not to cross a line to the point where it becomes a predominant thought (and unhealthy for that reason) Thanks for sharing this with us!
Wow that’s quite the spread of food! It looks good.
I used to have anxiety about social events and buffets too. I knew I couldn’t eat in moderation. I’ve come a long way though and I now take little samples of food to try a little bit of everything. A lot of the time it turns out I don’t particularly like the food so I don’t need a lot of it!
Another thing I do is work out hard on those days that I know I’ll be tempted to overeat. I feel better after a good workout and I know I need the fuel to feed my body.
Food anxiety/social events used to be the biggest deal. While I still have a bit to go before I am truly eating intuitively this is one area I am 100% better. I used to obsess about parties, study menus, plan my snack, and then have no fun at the party. I’d only think about food. I’d feel “superior” if I didn’t eat and ashamed if I overate.
I am finally at a point where I can go to social gatherings and eat NORMAL. I still have trouble when there’s stuff on the table like chips but I’ll take 1 struggle over the 34343 struggles I used to have at parties haha!
So true! You’ve come so far and have so much to celebrate!
GREAT tips! I try to have a similar attitude when it comes to eating at social events…especially at family gatherings. It seems as though eating is a SPORT in my family (haha). I go into every event with NO rules other than being completely mindful of everything I’m doing – whether it’s eating, talking to someone, etc. and generally I leave feeling perfectly content!
Another great post, Katie! I gave you a blog award, by the way!
Hello girly! I just came across your blog and I absolutely love it! Great tips! You have a new follower!
xo
Welcome, Erica! Glad you’re enjoying the blog!
Great post! It’s sooo important to reflect on how far we have come isn’t it? Sometimes it’s hard to see unless you really sit down and reflect.
Social gatherings…I feel like I have anxiety about social things in general, but as far as food goes, I feel the most anxiety about how hungry I am going to be. I don’t really have a problem with what food it is or the content so much as worrying that people will be watching me eat. So sometimes I won’t eat that much that day so I will have a good appetite and I won’t have to feel self-conscious about that! It’s too bad.
wow congratulations on really not even thinking about those brownies and just going for it! i always have the hardest time eating at parties because the anxiety of feeling out of my element sort of makes my tummy shut down and i never feel hungry. but i NEED to follow these steps..especially breaking rules and then moving on. i need to be like “ok, did that, now its no big deal, move on
” thats VERY helpful!
xoxo
Yup, I’ve felt it….at every single event EVER. My anxiety usually focuses on what others are going to think of what I’m eating, and what they are going to think of me for eating it. If I so much as put a bite into my mouth, I feel like the whole room is thinking what an undisciplined loser I am. Logical? Of course not. But I always feel it.
Now, I try really hard to focus on what food is actually worth eating. If there are fruits and veggies, those kind of get a free pass. I also look at the things that I can’t get any other time, like an aunt’s family recipe, or something I won’t buy because I can’t afford it
Those things get permission to jump onto my plate, but only in small amounts, depending on what they are!
I totally agree with you about being careful while socializing, and drinking, too. I’ve been known to down twice as much food after knocking a few back. I have my son to thank for ending that habit!
Thank you for sharing your honesty! I think so many people struggle with this and I too find myself getting a bit anxious at times at parties. Just because I always feel like I won’t be able to control myself. If I don’t know what there will be ahead of time, I feel like I will go hungry because I won’t want to eat anything, and if there are too many good things, I feel like I won’t be able to stop if we are there for a long period of time. Now I know, food is not the point of the party. It’s definitely a huge part, but it’s not what brings me to the party, ya know?
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your posts on intuitive eating and all it embraces. Each one of these tips is so important to remember and I have definitely been in the situation where I say “screw it” and eat throughout the entire event not really paying attention to what I’m putting in my mouth. Or I’ve eaten beforehand and refrained from allowing one bite of anything from passing through my lips. I’ve either felt proud or embarrassed because I’m the only person there not eating (and constantly having to make excuses as to why I’m not eating – even going so far as to say I have an upset stomach) or I go home and binge.
I’m definitely not as strict now – sometimes I do panic when I become hungry beforehand or I eat a couple of hours prior to the party and then discover I’m still really not hungry. I’ve gotten frustrated when I’m at a party and not the slightest bit hungry but all the food looks so good. Then I’m almost mad at myself for eating anything beforehand even though my stomach was telling me to eat. I definitely still battle with these events, especially if I have no clue what type of food they’re serving (appetizers? Snacks? Hot foods? Meals?)
I’m just so glad you put this out there – yet another great post to bookmark!
This is a great post! I am actually pretty bad about eating while socializing. I guess there’s something almost comforting about having that plate of food in your hand while you’re talking. But you’re right — when I do that, I know I eat so much more than I would’ve otherwise…and I don’t even really enjoy it.
I can also relate to the fact that someone else throwing the party can sometimes be a cause for anxiety. It’s hard when you don’t have control over your food options or the time you’ll eat. But I love your last 2 points – by relaxing a little bit (about what you eat and how much you eat) and moving on after an indulgence, you can get rid of those feelings. Because life is way too short to worry about an extra brownie. Thanks for being so open about your experiences and how far you’ve come!
Great post! Not that 50 people have not said that already, but might as well say it again
I totally deal with this. I often go into an event declaring I will eat NOTHING unhealthy, and then end up binging out of control because I have one or two unhealthy things and then cannot stop eating, in fact I will seek out more unhealthy food to eat because I have already messed up and then will punish myself later. Not good. But I am working on it and saving this post because these tips are great and I want to be more mindful!
These are all great tips! I use to deal with this and these would have been helpful when I was.
[...] reading an AMAZING post yesterday from my friend Kate at Health for the WHOLE Self, it was brought to my attention that we [...]
When I blasted through baking the peanut butter cookies, I wrote down that it was second to potlucks/parties. I always try to remind myself, in recent time, that it’s NOT soley about the food, it’s about the people. I think that many times we live in rules or social anxiety. Even though I am an outgoing person, having to socialise with people makes me stressed..so I cope with food. The same way that my mom and grandma do..see a pattern. Eat til you’re stuffed before dinner and then eat more dinner. I do like your advice to separate your socialising with your eating. I’ll try that at my next party!
That is a great philosophy for intuitive eating. I would’ve gone for the extra brownie, too
I love the post title! I find it is SO much harder to eat intuitively at parties like that. Especially if you are talking, it’s so easy to mindlessly munch. These are great steps! #4 made me laugh =P
You are way better at this than me, that’s all I’m gonna say.
Nah, truthfully I had some good moments – only eating the food that was calling to me. The problem was that it kept calling and calling… good thing I am also getting much better at #5!
Hi Katie! I’m new to your blog but really enjoying it. Thanks for this post — something I’m realizing is that SO MANY women struggle with similar issues, and yet we all feel so alone when going through it. I’m in a much better place than I used to be, but I still get stressed out when going to brunch or dinner with friends or attending a party with tons of dessert. I’m finding that I really need to work on engaging in the moment and realizing that the event is about more than me and my food choices — it’s about spending time with people who you enjoy and having a great time.
Hi, Lisa! I’m so glad you’re enjoying the blog! I have definitely found a lot of comfort in realizing that so many women out there struggle with the same issues I do – the problem is that it doesn’t get discussed openly enough! So I’m trying to change that just a bit with my blog.
And I completely agree with you that one of the keys to dealing with food anxiety in situations like these is to focus on what the event is really about – spending quality time with friends and family!
This is a great post. Thank you for sharing. I do obsess over get togethers with food. Well, mostly I get frustrated because there are so many events with food. I shouldn’t feel that way. I should feel grateful for getting to spend time with friends and family.
Don’t be too hard on yourself; it’s easier said than done, you know?
Katie, did I mention how awesome you are?
I LOVED this post. It actually made me realize how far I’ve come… I’m kind of at the same stage as you, and it feels good. 
You are too stinkin’ sweet.
Isn’t it crazy how we get so focused on moving forward that we forget how much progress we’ve already made?!
I’ve spend a lot of my energy in keep my eating habitts when i went to a party, always ended up eating more that i would have done if not being so fixed on the idea. I’ve learned is always important to have fun, don;t “abuse” your body but do not punish it either