Friends Don’t Let Friends Fat Talk
“I hate my thunder thighs.”
“I can’t eat that – it’s so fattening!”
“I could never pull off that outfit – I’m way too fat!”
Perhaps you’ve heard women make statements like these. Perhaps you’ve even made them yourself. I sure have. 
These kinds of comments are often called “Fat Talk.” Instead of learning to love and respect our bodies for all that they do for us, we tear our bodies – and ourselves – down with cruelty and negativity.
A lot of attention has been given to how we women can stop fat talking. There’s even an official “Fat Talk Free Week” in October.
So I don’t want to talk about what to do when you find yourself fat talking. I want to talk about what to do when you hear a friend doing it.
Cara left this comment a few days ago, and it really stuck with me:
“It makes me sad now when I hear other women constantly bashing themselves, but it can be so tricky to step in and try to help. Still trying to figure out the best ways to do that.”
Why is it so difficult for us to step in when a friend fat talks? Because fat talking with other women is about more than just putting ourselves down; it’s about bonding.
(Source)
Yes, that’s right – we ladies actually bond over bashing our bodies. There’s even some science behind it: researchers at Appalachian State University conducted a study that revealed that women feel genuine pressure to say negative things about their bodies when they’re surrounded by other women doing the same.
When you think about it, it’s a little sad, don’t you think? We grow closer and more connected by ripping at our own fragile self-esteem. We “fit in” with our peers by calling our bodies cruel names. Sometimes it seems that fat talking has become the norm or the standard; we feel out of place when we don’t do it! 
I say that it doesn’t have to be that way. Here are some potential strategies we can try…I’d love to get some more suggestions!
1. Don’t join in just because it’s the norm. Even if every other woman in the room is bemoaning the state of her body, try to resist the urge to bash your own.
2. Accept compliments graciously. This one is tough for me. If someone says, “your hair looks great today!” I have difficulty just saying thank you. Instead I say, “Oh, no, it’s a mess!” or something like that.
3. If you’re comfortable, express why you’re choosing not to engage in fat talk. This might only be possible in certain circumstances or with certain people. But I’m sure that as soon as you mention the phrase “fat talk,” every woman will know what you’re talking about. We’ve all heard it, done it, or both. Who knows, maybe your friend will be relieved to let go of all that negativity.
4. Keep the focus on you. I wouldn’t say, “YOU need to stop fat talking.” Rather, I’d say, “I’M choosing not to bash my body anymore, and rejecting that kind of language has helped to increase my confidence and self-esteem.” Who can argue with that? 
5. Fake it ’til you make it. It can be hard to stop fat talking when you really do feel uncomfortable with your body. It can take a lot of time and effort to rid yourself of those feelings (perhaps a subject for a different post). But just because you feel it doesn’t mean you have to express it aloud; calling yourself names isn’t going to make those feelings go away. By refusing to fat talk, you can almost “fake” body confidence until it’s a reality!
Do your friends ever bond over fat talking? Do you think they’d be open to stopping?
Themocracy
great post! i think it’s definitely easy to get sucked into fat talk. when you hear one person complaining (especially about a body area you can relate to) it’s so tempting to join in. i love your tips and will continue to make fat talk obsolete!
Wow…This is a great post. I will have to admit I engage in it but may need to look into why. I am only perpetuating negative behaviors. Thanks for the reminder.
I completely agree that fat talking is a way to bond with other women – and one that needs to stop!
And I think learning to accept compliments is key too. Some people just want to dwell in their fat feelings and not accept the fact that someone else sees something good in them (I’ve been there myself, for sure.)Part of what makes it difficult to me to share my concern with my friends who are feeling fat is that it can be received in so many different ways. If all of us could learn to accept compliments and be more open with each other, perhaps there would be less fat talking all along.
Great post!!! I hate fat talk especially since I have suffered from an eating disorder for many years. I have a 3 year old little girl and have vowed never to talk negatively about my body in front of her and I have now learned not to talk negatively about my body at all. I also hate when there is negative food talk such as “I was so bad today I ate xyz…” My mom has a knack for saying things like this a lot and I have learned to call her out on it becuase I do not want my little girl to go through the struggles around food that I have.
Thank you for this comment! It touches my heart to hear that you are working to shield your daughter from all of that body negativity. I have vowed to do the same if I have a daughter someday. Your daughter is lucky to have such a great mom who is already building up her self-esteem!
I think it is so true that women will bond over fat talking! And that we will often times do it in a way to try to gain compliments and reassurance from the other. But that doesn’t accomplish anything.
I have really battled fat talking with myself lately and am doing it a LOT less. It feels great! But now I realize that is only part of the problem. I want to help my friends break that habit as well and the only way to do that is speak up and be an example. Great motivation!
This is my first time to your blog and it’s no coincidence this was your post today.
Like Tina, my fat talk has gotten so much better lately. But, it sneaks up on you out of nowhere sometimes. I caught myself doing it last night when I was very stressed about something completely related to my body and I guess it felt better to me to bash someone than to think about what I was stressed about. I caught myself and stopped it, but it’s so frustrating that it still comes up from time to time.
Thanks for the reminder.
I’m so glad you stumbled across my blog at just the right time! I totally know what you mean about fat-talking sneaking up on us…sometimes it seems like it just flies out of my mouth, totally out of the blue.
Ugh, this is all so true, and sad. It makes us feel better about ourselves to fat talk in a group!? How horrible! I am guilty of this with my best friend. We’ve been fat together for so many years and revert back to bad habits and bad “fat” talk when we’re together. I am seeing her this weekend, I should work on changing this!
I think because I have a history with an ED, my immediate family knows now not to fat talk, and my friends that I am close with don’t really do it much either. We just like to eat and the only time the fat talk really comes in was when it was the giant snow storm and all we did all day was sit inside and eat! that was an extreme case though. and it was more like “OK, my pants don’t fit after this week, damn you snowpocalypse!” hahah but seriously I had friends in HS that did the fat talk but not so much anymore. also helps that a lot of my friends are guys, and guys don’t fat talk really. or at least mine don’t!
Yeah there is definitely a difference between the genders when it comes to fat-talking! I’m so glad to hear that your family is sensitive to your history with an ED; I’m sure having that support was/is very helpful!
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